


The Enternal Vagabond

by mari_oharas_lemons



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Sad Ending, Suicide, Suicide Attempts, Suicide Notes, akira dies, i wrote this bc im in a bad place whoop de doo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:54:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23938726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mari_oharas_lemons/pseuds/mari_oharas_lemons
Summary: In an alternate universe where Goro manages to kill Akira, Ann knows that he's coming for the rest of the former Phantom Thieves next. She's determined to not give him the satisfaction of killing her.
Relationships: Suzui Shiho/Takamaki Ann
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	The Enternal Vagabond

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys im the queen of making bad decisions and writing works that i shouldnt but when i get an idea i just have to go with it so i can get it out of my head!

My dearest Shiho,

I’m sorry that I’m writing this in English, I just don’t really want my last writings to be in any language other than my native one. You’ve gotten really good at understanding it, though, so I have no doubt you’ll be able to understand me.

You called me strong back in April, back when everything was just starting. I didn’t believe it back then, and it took me until just before the start of second semester to be able to take your words to heart. I mean, we promised that after we finished our second year of high school, we would go to America together. As much as I love Japan and all the people I’ve gotten to know here, it just isn’t my home, and I think I’m ready to go back. As for you, time abroad would help you sort out all of your problems without having to deal with the rigidness of Japanese society. We were going to have so much fun, eating junk food together, watching shitty action movies together, applying to colleges together… I’m sorry that none of that can happen anymore.

When Akira died a few weeks ago, I really felt like my time was running out. It was only a matter of time until Akechi decided to give me a mental shutdown as well, after all. (I put my name in the nav and everything. “The Ann Takamaki who lives in Shibuya, the entirety of Japan, Candy Store”.) If I was able to figure out that my gluttonous desire for more acceptance, more love, more attention led to the whole county becoming Willy Wonka’s Chocolate factory, then Akechi, surely, will find it to be a piece of cake (no pun intended).

I don’t want to have a mental shutdown. I saw it happen to Mr. Okumura, and the very thought of dying in such a horrible way makes me want to wail. I don’t want to give them the opportunity to try. Besides, now that Akira’s dead and the Phantom Thieves are no more, the only thing I have left to live for is your promise, and I just can’t see myself living long enough to fulfill it. I’m truly sorry, but I just can’t go on.

When I first moved here during freshman year, I remember sitting down by the lake in Inokashira Park, talking to you through google translate on our phones. We were talking about customs, and for some reason, we got on the topic of seppuku. You told me that in your guys’ culture, it’s more honorable to die by your own hand than by the hand of your enemy. I didn’t understand it back then, and I only very recently have. What a strange way for an American to go, huh?

An American. As much as I say it, as much as I have said it and identified with it, it’s just never felt right. Sure, I did spend the majority of my childhood in California, but I also spent brief stints in Finland, in France, in England, in Germany, in the Netherlands, and now here. My passport might say that I’m American, but I honestly just feel like a stateless person. I’m not angry at my parents for working with UMO, don’t get me wrong! I’m just… a mess of emotions, honestly. I mean, who’s to say America would even feel like home if I returned? I don’t know what I’d do if I felt like a wanderer yet again, in the place that I called my home, no less! We all know that I’ve never really had a place to fit in, your side and the Phantom Thieves aside. 

You know, the night before we went into Ms. Niijima’s palace, we all had a quiet dinner of Boss’ curry in the emptiness of the closed cafe. We talked about our hopes and dreams, and what we were looking forward to. Nobody was willing to admit it, but we all were worried that the plan would fail, and we would never get to live out those dreams. It’s too bad that is what ended up happening. 

I’m getting off track, I apologize. Anyways, everyone had their own unique desire, each one perfectly fitting for themselves. Ryuji wanted to run across the entirety of Shikoku during the last summer of college, and he was training so that he could one day do it. He didn’t have a route set just yet, but he had an idea of the kind of terrain he would be facing nonetheless. Yusuke wanted to write a biography about his mother, although now that I think about it, I suppose that “paint” might be a better word, because that’s what he intended to do. Makoto wanted to uphold her father’s legacy and become a police commissioner, and she planned to work with her sister in order to help make that dream become a reality. Futaba wanted to get properly medicated for her Autism, and then return to school, She wanted to go on to college, and become a scientist (Psi-entist??) just like her mother. Haru wanted to help turn Okumura Foods into an environmentally-friendly branch of restaurants, and serve things like tea and organic vegetables at each one. She wanted each location to be different, to have their own menu, and make their food using locally-grown ingredients. Morgana wanted to find out about his past. And Akira wanted to be able to attend university in order to become an astronomer. He said that his father was one, and he was honestly a bit excited to return home so he could chart out constellations and work on equations with him. Of course, he promised that he was going to be attending college up here, so his absence would only be temporary. We all believed in ourselves, and in each other, and it breaks my heart to know that we’ll never get to achieve our dreams. 

We all know the shutdowns are coming, there’s no use in denying it. Makoto believes that we should have fun while we still can, and everyone is working to spend all of their money to give us the best possible experiences before our lives end. I told everybody that I’d meet them at Destinyland tomorrow, but I won’t even be here tomorrow. I can’t live like this. I’m sorry guys.

I love you, Shiho. I really do. I was considering finishing what you started in April, but I feel like that would be disrespectful to you, and you don’t deserve that. Besides, there’s no guarantee that that’ll kill me anyways. My apartment building is much better. A fall of thirty stories down to the roof of the cafe next door will kill me before I even know what happened. And if I do stay conscious for a bit? Let me feel the pain, just like Akira did. Just like you did. It can’t be worse than what I’m already feeling inside. There’s no use in internalizing my pain, so I might as well let it out. 

Please stay strong for me, Shiho. I don’t want to cause you any pain, but I know that that can’t be avoided. I feel horrible, but I can’t bring myself to stop. I really am a selfish bitch, huh? 

Go to America in my stead. Get better. Get into a good college. Go become the woman you want to be, the woman you’re meant to be, and don’t let Japanese society hold you back. The only reason I even started all of this was to keep you safe. I’m not trying to blame you here, this decision is mine and mine alone, I just need you to know that I prioritize your happiness and safety over everyone and everything else. You may not have wanted to die, but I need to. I’ll give Akechi one final “fuck you” by not giving him the satisfaction to end my life himself. I’m the only one who gets to decide that.

Surprisingly, I’m not scared. I may have been raised Christian, but over the years, science has begun to trump my ability to believe in an afterlife. There is no god. He doesn’t exist. No god or goddess exists, or ever has, or ever will. I wish I could believe, but I can’t. If there is nothing after death, I won’t know, so there is no need to be fearful. I can do this, I believe in myself, for once. For the last time.

You’re my everything, Shiho Suzui. I love you more than words can describe, and I always will. Everytime you celebrate a victory, I’ll be right by your side, cheering you on. Every time you’re upset, I’ll hold you close and comfort you until all of your tears are gone. I beg you, please know that this isn’t your fault. You won’t believe me, but it’s the truth. God, here I am, doubting my best friend, my lover, or maybe I’m being condescending, telling her that I don’t believe her when she actually believes me. Ugh, this isn’t how I wanted to end this. 

And thus, the curtain falls on the life of Anne Marie Takamaki. Will she be remembered for her work as a model? For her work as a phantom thief? For being the daughter of some of UMO’s most distinguished designers? For ending it all? Who knows. Such a fate is not mine to decide.

I leave it all to you, Shiho. I know that you can do this. I’m always cheering you on, I’m always here for you. At long last, our two souls will become one. 

Lovingly and eternally yours,

Ann(e) 

PS: Keep smiling, okay? 

**Author's Note:**

> all of this having been written, if you or someone you know are feeling suicidal, please please reach out for help
> 
> we'll be back to regularly scheduled programming soon!


End file.
